


All I never say

by Tien2512



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-11-09 08:36:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17998508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tien2512/pseuds/Tien2512
Summary: Jihoon stares into the camera, wishing if only it was Woojin."But if things didn’t work out well with your marriage, if you are single now and you do have a bit, just a bit feeling for me, could you give me a call, a text would be fine.” His voice gets smaller and smaller, like how much hope he is putting in Woojin loving him back.“I will wait for you for one more day. Just one more day, then I will move on, no looking back.”





	All I never say

**Author's Note:**

> I did beta it but yeah, I still think I messed up the verb tenses TT I still hope that you can enjoy this ^^

Jihoon turns his light off, pretending to be asleep as he hears the sound of the front door opening then closing. He and his best friend, Woojin, has been fighting for a week and so far, none of them are willing to take a step back.

“At this point, I don’t even know whether you are sad because of the break up, or because Woojin didn’t abandon his date on his birthday to comfort your broken heart.” Jisung exclaimed after having listening to Jihoon’s rant for almost an hour this moring. “He did made an attempt to come home early, you should appreciate his effort. Besides, I know you are extra annoyed just because it’s Hyungseob he was spending time with.” 

Jisung wasn’t wrong though, Hyungseob definitely isn’t in Jihoon friend list. He makes Jihoon feel uncomfortable, therefore eventhough Jihoon can’t pin point the reason behind this feeling, he has decided to avoid unnecessary interactions with the other boy. It went well for years, with Hyungseob being Woojin’s friend only and Jihoon stays out of that circle, until one day those two started addressing each other as boyfriend.

Woojin has never dated anyone, anyone, before Hyungseob. He rarely showed interest in relationships, saying how busy he was and how unrealistic love was, taking Jihoon’s love life as a solid example and Jihoon can’t argue about that, his love life has many ups and downs. He has been through countless relationships, yet none of them last longer than 1 year; having dated all kinds of people, yet none of them can tell him what’s wrong with him and relationships. At the end of the day, all he had left is only Woojin, who would welcome him home with a tight hug and listen to stories about his break-ups until both of them fall asleep. 

It is used to be like that, Woojin being the anchor Jihoon can cling on everytime he felt down, everytime he felt like giving up on finding his true soulmates, until a certain Ahn Hyungseob came in the picture.

With Hyungseob beginning to be a part of his best friend’s life, Jihoon can no longer stay unbothered like before. In a world where Jihoon has got used to Woojin being there for him 24/7, the appearance of Hyungseob has messed up all his usual routines. Time spent with Jihoon has become time with Jihoon and time with Hyungseob, sitting side by side while eating out with friends has become Jihoon sitting at one side of the table while the couple sitting at the other end, movie weekend marathon has become dating time with the other half. 

To say Jihoon was surprised is an understatement, he was terrified when Woojin shyly told him about Hyngseob’s confession. Actually, it came as no surprise to him that Hyungseob confessed his love to Woojin, everyone knew that the former had a huge crush on his colleague; he just can’t imagine that Woojin would accept it.

At first, he does not think it would work out because he, Woojin’s one and only best friend, has expressed his dislike to Woojin’s boyfriend several times, dating back to the first day they were introduced to each other. 

“It’s best friend instinct!” He argued, after being unable to tell the exact reason why he hate the poor boy that much. He means, no one can be that perfect: cute, rich and talented; there must be something that lies deep down under the surface, like he has a kink for socks or his father is a mob who runs an entire empire. 

But Woojin, the Park Woojin, being as oblivious as he can be, just shrugs it off every time Jihoon brings up the matter. 

“You did not listen to any of my words every time I tried to warn you about your love interests, so don’t pull the best friend card now.” 

In his defence, he is just trying to help, so that Woojin wouldn’t make the same mistakes as he did then end up being alone for the rest of his life.

The cold war that Jihoon started one week ago was not the only time they fell out because of Hyungseob. As the other boy gradually become a part of Woojin’s life, of their life, Jihoon can’t help feeling intimidated. He clings to Woojin’s side like a koala, appearing at every friends gathering that Jihoon got invited to. It makes Jihoon go insane, having to see his face everywhere. As a result, Jihoon is getting more hot tempered lately, arguing with his best friend about the smallest thing. That fight on Hyungseob’s birthday was a straw that broke the camel’s back. 

So here they are, avoiding each other, pretending like the other doesn’t exist even though they share the same apartment. Woojin used to be the one who made up first, surprising Jihoon with games night or chicken. They have never fought this long and it’s started to be suffocating. Without Woojin, he feels lonely in the sea of people, he feels exhausted of the vicious cycle of arguing and then making up, not knowing when they would be in that cycle again.

Jihoon tosses and turns around his bed, unable to sleep when there are so many things in his mind right now before getting up to get some water. The light in Woojin’s bedroom has been turned off, Jihoon assume he’s asleep now, too tired from his dance practice so when he sees a figure lying on the couch, Jihoon nearly jumps up and scream out loud, alerting everyone in his floor about a thief.

“Keep it down, Jihoonie! It’s me! Woojin.” The light flicks on, revealing Woojin, looking so worn out, sitting on the couch with his sweaty dance outfit (Jihoon will never admit it but he looks so hot in that sweaty black tank top, just saying).

“Jesus! You gave me a heart attack! What are you doing out here in the midle of the night?” 

Woojin buries his face in his hands, trying to keep his eyelids from shutting down once again. “I could ask you the same. What keeps you up so late?”

You. “I was just thirsty, that’s all.” 

Jihoon silently sits down on one side of the couch, wondering if he should reach out to touch the other. There is something about Woojin tonight that makes his heart clenches: he looks so broken, it’s like he’s going to crumble at any minute and Jihoon may be the one responsible for it. He wants nothing more than to close the gap and hug the younger in his arm, assuring him that things would be fine, eventually. His hands nearly touches the other’s shoulder before he stops it midway and cover his effort with a light pat instead.

“My grandma is in the hospital now.” Woojin jerks his head upward, something he usually does when he tries to hide the tears. “The doctor said she only had 3 more months at most.” Jihoon clasps his mouth in shock. In his memory, Woojin’s grandma is a kindhearted woman who treated Jihoon like her own grandson, sometimes even better because he was good with pouting. He remains silent for a moment before lunging forward and wrapping his arms around the other.

“I’m so sorry, Woojin.”

“I’m ok, Jihoon. Don’t worry. Saying goodbye is a part of life. I’m going to try my best to fulfill her unfinished wishes-” He pulls away from the hug, craning his head to one side to look Jihoon in the eyes, “-eventhough it is not going to be easy.” There is something more in his eyes, something resembles hurt, and fear, and tiredness, and hope, something that makes Jihoon wants to dig deeper, to see what else lies behind his words, what secret he is carrying. Weeks later he will wish that he did but right now, he chooses to blame Woojin’s mental state, he chooses to blame his sleep-deprivation that make him see things. Whatever it is, he believes that they could talk it out later.

.

Staying up late surely does Jihoon no good as he turns up at the office, looking like a total mess. He accidentally slept through the alarm, which results in him being late for work and not being able to get his coffee morning (or anything else that resemble a breakfast).

But thanks God he has Jisung hyung in his life, who is smiling knowingly with a cup of freshly brewed coffee in his hand. “Sometimes I wonder how could you survive without me, Jihoon.” Jihoon eagerly takes a sip, feeling caffeine rushing through his brain, bringing him back from the dead. 

“Still fighting, huh? Does this mean you are not coming to my birthday party?” Jihoon feigns surprise with an exasperated face. “I didn’t know you think that bad of me, hyung. How can I miss my favorite hyung’s birthday.” Jisung shudders at the scene of Jihoon pouting. “Stop that. Finish your coffee then come to my office, I have something to discuss with you.” 

Jihoon gulps down all the coffee in one go, the bitterness lingers at the tip of his tongue, waking up all his senses that are probably still half asleep. He stops by the bathroom to check if he looks presentable enough before knocking on his boss’s door.

Unlike other superiors’ offices that have stark and minimalistic decor, Jisung’s office gives off a cozy feeling with cute tree pots, souvenirs from places around the world, pictures of scenery and flowers. In his view, working place doesn’t have to give people pressure, rather than an employer who is feared by his employees, Jisung are more fond of the idea of a friendly boss, who knows how to push and pull at the right time. Having been with the older since the early days of his company, Jihoon knows it better than anyone does how thoughtful, dedicating and selfless Jisung it. To cut it short, Jisung was born to be a leader and he is going to fight anyone who thinks his hyung is any less than that. Jisung would do the same for him too, that’s why he’s in Jisung’s office right now, listening to the older’s offer: manager level position in the company’s upcoming branch in the U.S.  
Jihoon’s first reaction: WHAT?

Jihoon’s second reaction: HOW COME?

Jihoon’s third reaction: WHY ME?

Contrary to his employee’s surprise, Jisung seems to be calm, probably having foreseen this outcome since the beginning. “I know it’s a big decision to make, moving to a new country on your own and leaving your loved ones behind, but it’s a promotion, Jihoon. It could be a brand new start, meeting new people, getting into new relationship. Who knows! Maybe you can find your significant other there.” 

Jisung places a file folder in front of him, signaling him to take a look at it. “Think it over and comeback here one week later with your answer. Opportunity like this only comes once in a blue moon, Jihoonie.”

Jihoon walks out the door, his brain is still processing those information. Never has the thought of moving away crossed his mind, he has too much to leave behind, too many people he can’t have the heart to bid farewell. Jisung hyung is wrong, he doesn’t need up to one week, he can tell him the answer now, loud and clear that he will not go. But his boss is stubborn, he thinks, if he comes back now with the answer, he will likely be scolded for not thinking thoroughly.

Therefore, he makes a mental note to tell him his answer next week and to think of someone who would be more suitable for the position.

.

Jihoon never like hospital, its color, its smell, its sound, its people; everything screams death, tears and blood. He silently looks at the still figure on the bed, she used to be a cheerful old lady who likes to make delicious cake, who would cover up for the prank the two Parks make, who told the best bedtime stories ever. Jihoon holds her hand then sighs, time is indeed cruel and doesn’t spare anyone.

He takes her hand in his, heart clenching at how thin it is. It has been a long time since he last came home, work and Woojin, fighting with Woojin, to be more precisely, have taken up all his time. If only he had known it better, he wouldn’t sit here with regret, wishing how time could stop at the last time he saw her: bright smile on her face and light in her eyes.

“Jihoonie?”

Jihoon smiles lightly, time sure changed many things but the light in her eyes is still there, brighter than ever as she lifts one hand up to cup Jihoon’s cheek.

“You… You came. I miss you so much, Jihoonie ah.” Tears start to swell up in her eyes then streaming down her pale face. 

“I should have come earlier, grandma. I’m so sorry.” Jihoon leans closer to her touch, feeling like the good old days when she had to take care of him while his parents went out of town for work.

“Don’t be, sweetie. Although if you had come a little earlier, you would have met Woojinie. He has just left to take care of some family stuffs.” 

Jihoon pulls a forced smile, he hasn’t seen his best friend since that night, right when he thought they can finally call it an end on their fighting. He must have headed straight to Busan in the early morning so Jihoon can’t really blame him, he just wished they had the chance to talk for a bit, he kind of miss it, miss being them in their normal routines.

A small knock on the door makes Jihoon turn his head in surprise: standing in the doorway are the devil himself and well, his boyfriend. 

“You are back just in time. We have just talked about you Woojinie.” Jihoon adjusts the pillow to help Woojin’s grandma sit up a bit, taking it as an excuse to not look at Hyungseob, who is now rushing to the other side of the bed with a fond smile on his face.

“Hi Jihoon! You came here this morning, right? Such a pity, if I had known it, I would have offered to drive you here. I arrived here this morning too.” The boy looks so happy that it irritate Jihoon, doesn’t he know I don’t like him.

“You are too kind, Seobie.” Woojin’s grandma turns to him with a dissatisfied face, while Woojin, probably had already known what she is going to say next, mumbles in objection.

“Please don’t, grandma.”

“What? If you don’t tie the knot with him soon, somebody is going to snatch this angel away, and I won’t be able to be there to tell you ‘I told you so’!”

What!!! Is she encouraging them to get married? Even though Hyungseob and Woojin have known each other since college, they have only dated for a year! Isn’t that too early?

“You don’t like to listen to my advice because I’m old, right? Then ask for Jihoon’s opinion! I’m sure he would agree with me too.” She turns to Jihoon, who is currently lost in deep thoughts, in hope of getting support but immediately shows disappointment after Jihoon’s answer.

“I’m not good with relationships, grandma.” He stares at the floor, fidgeting with his fingers to avoid the older’s burning gaze. “Everyone knows that.”

This is too akward, him being in the same room with them, talking about their marriage, pretending that he and Woojin didn’t fall out because of the other boy. So he does what is best in this situation, he run away. Jihoon stands ups, bid goodbye while still trying to maintain the forced smile that has been there since the moment Woojin steps into the room. The moment he steps outside, his smile falters; he can finally put down the masks he has been holding, but why does his heart still feel this burdened?

.

Jihoon sways his head to the beat of the loud music then drinks down the brown liquid in one gulp. The bartender, having known Jihoon for quite a long time, pours him another shot after reminding him of how low his alcohol tolerance is. 

Drinking isn’t his game, he prefers sweet thinks like strawberry milk shake to a kind of drink that leaves bitter taste in his tongue, but for a night like this, a couple shots seems to be more helpful in helping him get away from all his problems: Woojin, Hyungseob, love, America.

“You have been here quite often lately, Jihoon. Where are the others? Why didn’t they come with you?” Donghan, the bartender, strucks a conversation with a gloomy Jihoon. 

This bar has been one of his friends group’s favourite hang-out place ever since in college. However, lately, due to every one’s hectic schedule, they rarely have time to meet up, except for special occasions. 

“Did you fall out with Woojin?” Another attempt from Donghan, which successfully earned him an amused face from Jihoon. “How do you know?”

“A little bird told me.” Donghan smiles knowingly at him, a playful look in his eyes tells Jihoon that he may know much more than that. 

“Woojin came here the other night, looking like a mess. He drank a lot, one drink after another, spilling out every little secrets.” The bartender smirks at the way Jihoon’s eyes light up with curiosity. “I’m not going to sell him out but just so you know, he kept ranting about how his Jihoonie had got mad at him.”

A rush of remorse fills his stomach as he think about a drunk and sad Woojin. He hates the thought of Woojin being hurt because of him and he also hates himself for not being able to be the best friend Woojin deserves. God knows how much he has tried to act appropriately toward Hyungseob, but the more he pushed himself, the more he felt burdened. Faking friendly smiles or pretending to care about Hyungseob’s perfect family has become so suffocating to a point that Jihoon broke under that pressure, being too tired to continue the act. From then on, he didn’t hide his feelings anymore, didn’t hide the smirk, didn’t hide his glare toward the other. It would be better if he has a solid reason for all of his feelings, because if Hyungseob was not that perfect, Jihoon wouldn’t feel this bad hating on him. It is not like he insulted the other or badmouth him, but sometimes, actions speak louder than words, silent is all that needed to draw a fine line between them. No matter how much Hyungseob tried, giving him luxury clothes or concert ticket of his favorite idols, Jihoon shows no interest in the other’s desperate attempt, shoving all those expensive gifts back with a smile that screams fake.

He downs another glass before sliding it over to Donghan for a refill, however, the other shows no sign to carry out what he asked for. Instead, he scoots over to Jihoon’s side, making a pulling zipper action while blinking his eyes hardly. “Alcohol can’t solve your problem but I could. C’mon! You can talk to me, my lips are sealed.”

Jihoon contemplates for a while, weighing down pros and cons before looking up with the determination to put his trust in Donghan for once. “It’s Hyungseob. I just couldn’t force myself to like him.” He hung his head in despair, blaming the alcohol for making him feel this helpless and emotional. “How could one possibly hate on someone at first sight?”

Donghan props his chin on his hands, tilting his head to one side. “If love at first sight is possible, I suppose hate at first sight does exist too? Besides, I think I may have an idea why you dislike him.” 

Jihoon jerks his head up so fast he thinks he might have broken it. He massages his neck gently to ease the pain with one hand, while his other hand signals Donghan to continue his Ted-talk.

“You hate him because he has a crush on Woojin, love at first sight. Think about it. He is like a competitor to you.” Jihoon throws his hands up then slams them down the table in protest, “What competition? Are you being serious?”

Donghan gasps in disbelief, one hand clutching his heart exasperatedly. “I can’t believe you are this oblivious. Love! It’s love, Jihoon. You are in love with Woojin, that’s why you has been acting like that. Have you seen the way your eyes light up when talking to each other? I swear you could see stars and hearts and love in them. Every one would have thought that you two are boyfriend.”

If there is a strange feeling in his heart, a feeling of being exposed, Jihoon denies it and blame it all on three shots of whiskey. It should be nothing as Jihoon brushes off Donghan’s ridiculous assumptions, but the there is something off about it, something that got him thinking days after during sleepless night: Could he be in love with Woojin all along?  
.

Time flies like an arrow and before Jihoon noticed it, Jisung’s birthday has come. It’s a Saturday afternoon that everyone Jihoon is helping Jisung in setting up the table when the older’s doorbell rings, signaling the arrival of another guest. It must be him. All of their friends have already been here except for those two lovebirds. 

The others all stop what they are doing and gather at the living room to give Woojin the warmest greetings, just like what they did to anyone in their friends group who walked through the door today. It has been a tradition of them to greet each other like that every time they get the chance to meet up like this, which can only happen for a few time a year due to their hectic schedule. To cut the story short, all of them are hugging Woojin and Hyungseob, except Jihoon, who is standing there awkwardly with a small “hello”.

Jihoon tries to break the tension between them by asking about Woojin’s grandma situation while the others hurry to finish preparing for dinner. He has to admit that he misses having small talk with his best friend like this, just the two of them chatting about normal things in life like how Woojin’s mum failed to replicate his grandma’s signature pie or how Woojin’s sister, Yerim, got a small crush on their new neighbor. It’s not like they have made up yet, since Hyungseob is still standing there, clinging excitedly to Jisung’s side to ask for his skincare routine; but it puts his heart at a temporary ease, knowing that no matter what happens, they can still get back to who they used to be. At least that what he thought.

The whole room suddenly go on alert mood as Daehwi makes a piercing shriek then jumps around shouting “Oh my god!”

“Have mercy on my ears, Daehwi!” Jisung lets out a crying noise while Baejin rushes over from wherever he is, scanning his boy from head to toes to make sure that the annoying scream was not a result of any injuries. Everyone’s gaze soon diverts from Daehwi, who has made sure that he is more than ok, to what he is pointing at right now: Hyungseob, with something round and shiny hanging on his ring finger. They darts their eyes to Woojin to verify what they have just seen and only look away when they catch the sight of a similar ring on Woojin’s finger.

“I... We… Yeah we are getting married next month.” The center of everyone’s attention, Woojin, looks around the room before landing his eyes on Jihoon. Jisung’s small apartment immediately filled with cheering and hugs but Jihoon feels like he is one step outside that world. To him, time seem to slow down and stand still the moment the word “married” escaped Woojin’s mouth. Everything blurs out, every colors start to fade away, every words he struggles to speak out get stuck on the tip of his tongue. He tries to look for a sign of tease in Woojin’s eyes, something that can assure him that his best friend is not going to tie the knot next month, but he can only see in there regret, and hurt. 

Jihoon looks down, unable to keep the eye contact as tears start streaming down his face. And since when has breathing become this hard, since when has standing become an extremely difficult task? He needs fresh air. He needs to get out of here. He needs to sort out his thoughs, his emotions, his words. So he runs out of Jisung’s apartment.

He keeps running and running, not knowing where his feet would take him, until someone takes him by the hand and force him to turn around. It is no one other than the devil itself, Park Woojin.

Both of them leans to a wall, panting like crazy, with Jihoon’s hand still in Woojin’s.

“Listen to me, Jihoon…Please!” The younger pleads, looking at Jihoon with apologetic eyes.

Jihoon makes an attempt to get away from Woojin’s tight grip then gets angry when he fails miserably. “So now you want to talk with me, huh?”

“My grandmother’s heath is getting worse, Jihoon. I promise…I promise to make her final wish come true.” He stumbles between words as Jihoon’s eyes darkens with every move he makes. “I know getting married after one year dating seems a bit rush but me and Hyungseob has known each other since college, and we get along well so I thought, why not?”

Jihoon scoffs, “Why not? Maybe because I don’t like him, maybe because I probably can never get on good terms with him. You know me, Woojin. Even before you two started dating, I have had trouble with being in the same room with him, he always got on my nerves!”

His best friend sighs heavily. “See! This is why I did not want to tell you! You will make a fuss about it, like what you are doing now!”

“So I am the bad guy now, right? I am the bad guy hating on the innocent prince. I am the bad guy standing in the way of your happy ever after. I am the bad guy for making my best friend choose between me and his true love. Right?” Jihoon lets out everything he has been holding on, his anger, his hurt, his fear; his emotions are scattered everywhere, his heart lays bare on the table. He doesn’t know what to expect, what answer he is looking for. He feels scare of the possible outcomes.

“Don’t do it, Jihoon.”

“Do what? Make you choose? Why?” Jihoon tries desperately to not break down as he thinks of the only answer for his question. “Because you are going to choose him, right?”

Jihoon never know silent could be this painful. He wishes Woojin had said something, anything, but the only reply he got is silent, deadly silent and it kills him. He doesn’t know why it hurts so much to see Woojin make a decision that he shouldn’t have been forced to make in the first place. There is so much going on in his head right now and standing here with Woojin does not help him figure out any of it. So he flag down a taxi, a tiny piece of him hoping that somehow, the other is going to chase after him, like those cliché movie scenes. But there is no chasing after car, no tearful explanation, no heartfelt make up, just him laying his head on the taxi’s window and quietly crying his heart out while the taxi slowly passes by a dumbfounded Woojin.

.

Jihoon doesn’t know how long he has been drinking before the door to his apartment burst open and a frustrated Jisung steps in.

“You should have answered your phone, or your door bell. You made us worried sick.” The older throws a Charmander keys chain on the table as an explanation for his surprise visit.

“What happened, Jihoon?”

To be honest, Jihoon doesn’t think he has the answer for that question, he doesn’t even know why he dislike Hyungseob! Everything just escalated quickly and before he knew it, things got out of control ended up with him, ruining his 20-year friendship. He has been sitting here for an hour (he guesses) in a desperate attempt to get his mind together and untangle the knots inside his heart, but the more he thinks about it, the deeper he falls into the land of oblivion. 

He doesn’t think he is that mad about Woojin not informing him about the marriage, he would even be surprised if he had done it, taking into account his attitude towards Hyungseob.

He doesn’t think Hyungseob is that bad either. They sure didn’t click the first time they met and times after that, but there were times when he would look back and think that Hyungseob is quite decent.

In conclusion, maybe he just made a fuss about it because he was an asshole who was possessive, selfish and afraid of being alone for the rest of his life after his best friend become someone’s husband. And he has been trying so hard to convince himself to accept that truth, to be happy for his best friend, to act like one. But if it is the problem, then why does he feel like he just lost a part of his soul? Where does this pain in the left side of his chest come from? Why does he feel like his heart shattered into millions pieces? 

“Are you, perhaps being jealous of Hyungseob, Jihoon?” Jisung sits down on the couch, craning his neck to a side to look at Jihoon.

Jealous? Of what? Hyungseob is rich, but Jihoon also has a salary that people dream of. Hyungseob is pretty, but Jihoon isn’t any less than that. Hyungseob is young and talented, but Jihoon doesn’t care about all that, he himself is talented in his own way too. What does the other has but he doesn’t? 

At that moment, the truth suddenly dawns on him and everything from the very start until now all makes sense. It’s Woojin, he hates Hyungseob because he has Woojin. He can hold Woojin’s hands while Jihoon couldn’t. He could wake up with Woojin by his side while Jihoon couldn’t. He could listen to Woojin’s sweet and cheesy words, could have Woojin’s eyes on. He could stand with Woojin during the best or the worst, could be Woojin’s start and end, but Jihoon couldn’t.

He turns to Jisung with his hands shaking from the realization before breaking down in the other’s welcoming arms, tears falling and heart aching. “I’m in love with Woojin, hyung. What am I going to do?”

All these years, he has been going on and off with countless relationships, blaming himself for not being good enough, blaming fate for not letting him meet the right man, blaming everyone and everything when his relationships lost the fire they needed. If he just sit back and looked to his side, he could have seen why all his relationships come to an end. 

He kept ranting with Woojin about how his other half had not understood him, however, it is only now that he realizes that he never let them did that. Deep down, he secretly compared them with Woojin and when they couldn’t know him like his best friend did, he got disappointed. That’s how they grown apart, that’s how all his love stories ended and it’s ironically how he couldn’t get it until now, after being hit twice in the head: one when Woojin announced the wedding, one when he figured out that he is uncontrollably and madly in love with his best friend.

The older strokes his back lovingly before letting out a deep sigh. “I’m sorry, Jihoon. I saw the tension between you two, we all did, and I once indirectly asked Woojin too but he just brushed it off. That’s why I thought I was wrong, and I should let you two see it on your own. Then he asked me to help him pick a ring and I realized that I had messed up really bad, Jihoon.” 

“So that’s why you offered me a ticket to U.S.” Jihoon muffles his crying in Jisung’s embrace. 

“I will go, hyung. I’ll go.”

.

To tell the truth, Jihoon was neither avoiding Woojin nor ignoring his calls and texts, he was just busy preparing for his trip abroad. In the first week, he and Jisung had to spend time looking for a candidate for Jihoon’s spot, and that was not an easy job, to be frankly. After that, it took him 2 weeks to finish his remaining works as well as helping the new comer to adapt. For the last week, Jihoon took some time to come back to Busan and say goodbye to his family, and spends some quality time with his friends. He spent most of his time at the office, burying himself in work and when Jisung forced him to go home, he crashed at the older’s house instead, making excuses of how it was more convenient staying there. 

It is not after three weeks have passed that Jihoon finally returns to their apartment. He inserts the key and turns the doorknob, his heart pounding so hard at the imagination of meeting Woojin. To his relief (and disappointment), Woojin isn’t there and after seeing the dusted table, he doubt if the other came back at all. This used to be his favorite place, cozy and filled with laughter, now it just feels so empty and unfamiliar. 

Jihoon takes a look around the house then begins to go through his stuffs. The pink hoodie Woojin gave him, the couple coffee mugs they bought together at a garage sale, Woojin’s black shirt that he once stole but forgot to give back,… He hates that how everything has a way of reminding about someone he is about to leave behind, he can’t move forward if he keeps reminisce about their good old days like this, so he only grabs some basics and boxs up the rest to send back home. 

Jihoon gets lost in his own thought, not noticing how someone has stepped through the door.

“Jihoonie.” He turns around in shock at the familiar voice. Standing there in the doorway is Woojin, in all his glory, with soft red hair and toothy grin, all boyfriend material. 

“I didn’t expect to see you here.” Jihoon doesn’t fail to notice how nervous Woojin is, having noticed the way he keeps biting his lips. Awkward silence fills the room as Jihoon come back to packing his stuff, until Woojin decides to break the silence. The younger hesitates for a moment, eyes darting around the room,looking anywhere but Jihoon before he pulls out an elegant white envelope.

“I was hoping, maybe, maybe you could be my best man at the wedding.” Jihoon looks down to avoid his best friend’s gaze, the white envelope with the couple’s name written in calligraphy is presented before his eyes. He lifts his hand up, the envelope somehow looks dazzling white to him, too bright for his eyes (or his heart). 

Woojin’s eyes are filled with incomprehensible emotions, a mix of expectation and sadness that Jihoon wouldn’t dare to dwell on for too long, he is scare that if he lost himself in those eyes any longer, he will throw everything aside and pours his heart out.

“I would love to, but I can’t. You see all these boxes, Woojin? I’m going to leave Seoul for good.” Self-reproach rushes through Jihoon’s heart as he sees smile faltering on his best friend’s face. The latter moves forward, his body is trembling hardly as he tries to grab Jihoon’s hand, making the other looks at him in the eyes. “You are leaving? Is it because of me? Is it because of Hyungseob?” The desperation in Woojin’s voice pierces holes through his already broken heart. 

“No, it’s not you, it’s me. This is a big leap for me, a chance to challenge myself, who knows how far I could get with this job offer?” He struggles with words, trying his best to keep his composure, fighting against the urge to pull Woojin into a hug and never let go. 

The other lets go of Jihoon’s hand before throwing himself down on Jihoon’s bed, eyes glued to the ceiling. “Are you happy, Jihoon?” 

All he wants is to scream “no” on the top of his lounge, but all he does is just a simple nod.

“What about you? Are you happy with Hyungseob? Is he the one you are looking for?” Woojin tilts his neck to look at a now lying Jihoon. He looks sad and weary, likes a star that has burnt out. The energizer Woojin is nowhere to be seen, only a worn out Woojin lying next to him now.

“Hyungseob is a wonderful person. He is beautiful, talented and most importantly, he loves me. He has been in love with me for years, even though I rejected him many times before, he didn’t give up on me. Isn’t it touching? To have someone love you that much for years without the need to be reciprocated. I guess at some point-” Woojin turns to look Jihoon in the eyes, “-I just give up on finding true love. It’s so tiring, no matter how hard I tried, I still stand at the zero point.”

Woojin’s gaze is so gentle, so affectionate, like a sunny day but at the same time, full of desperation. And it gives Jihoon false hope so he chooses to break away from the eye contact, staring holes into the ceiling instead of getting lost in Woojin’s eyes. 

He hears a long, heavy sigh before the other continue his talk. “If it is not the one I love then everyone is the same, isn’t it? So I gave it a try and surprisingly, we got on well. Not that kind of passionate and undying love you always talk about, not that kind of true love I have always looking for, but in the end, we are together. Maybe we are moving a bit too fast, jumping into marriage after one year dating, nevertheless, we have been friends since college, we know each other well. If this is wrong, if we are not meant to be, let time decide it. I just want to finally settle down, Jihoon.”

Jihoon sits up, moving to a corner of the room to look for his wedding gift – a desperate attempt to hide his teary eyes from his best friend. He is scared that if he stays there any longer, all his effort of not breaking down will go down the drain.

It takes him a while to get through his stuffs with teary eyes, shaky hands and a cloudy mind, until something red comes into sight. In a corner of his desk lies a white box with a striking red ribbon on top and an envelope with his worm-like handwriting. He secretly wipes his tears with the shirt then lift them up, making his way toward Woojin. His best friend sits up when Jihoon hands him the box, curiously scanning the gift with wide opening eyes.

“I won’t be able to attend your wedding so here is my wedding gift.” He stops an eager Woojin with a glare. “You can open this now.” Said Jihoon, pointing to the envelope. “However, the box is my special present for you, just you. Make sure that you open it on this day 3 years later, on your own, no company allowed, or else it will be meaningless.” 

“You better not tearing it apart before the set date, I have put a lot of effort in preparing, just so you know.” Jihoon continues his warning as curiosity glowing in Woojin’s eyes. The other tries to shake the box, Jihoon can see all the gears in his head best friend’s head turning as the latter makes some wild guess about the present.

After a long process of weighing and shaking, Woojin gives up with a wide grin, his cute snaggletooth peeking out cutely. If time could stop, he would want it to stop right now right here. Just the two of them sitting next to each other, shoulder by shoulder, heart by heart, Woojin’s smiles captured in his eyes. 

“Promise me one thing. Be happy, will you? You have to be happy, Woojinie ah.”

“You too, Hoonie.”

.

Jihoon throws himself on the bed, his whole body aching like crazy after three days of staying in the office for a contract negotiation. Only after 3 years in this position does he know how much his boss Jisung must have went through. He has been working like crazy for the past three years, building everything up from zero. The US market is different from Korea’s market, his team had to conduct many researches before they can finally get the gist of how to do business here. 

Making decision, attending meetings, doing contract negotiations and at the same time, improving his English and making new friends got him busy from dawn to midnight, leaving him no time to think about the people he left behind. However, sometimes, when he got a day off after weeks of heavy workload or during holidays, when people enjoy time with family and friends, or during sleepless nights when he accidently drank too much coffee for his own good, he would feel small and lonely. 

He misses his family, who can only call once a week due to his hectic schedule. He misses his friends who are all asleep when he wakes up, because of time difference, leaving him at night staring into a quiet group chat. And most important, he misses his Woojinie who he hasn’t contacted since the day he left.

For three years, he has deleted Woojin’s existence from his life, or at least that’s what he has been trying to do. It’s an unwritten law for his family and friends to not mention about Woojin and Jihoon himself also deleted all of his old sns account to pave the way for his brand new start. 

However, it was bold of him to assume doing that could get Woojin out of his life. Even when he tried to jump on new relationships, even when he was surrounded by man and woman, dying to get his heart; his mind still subconsciously compared them with Woojin. How Woojin would comfort him when he is sad, how Woojin would give in when they fight, how Woojin would surprise him with chicken and game when he get too stressed up.

With the day of Woojin’s wedding anniversary coming near, his worry grows bigger each time he crosses another day off the calendar. He closes his eyes after crossing another three days from his calendar. The red circled date looks so striking, even more striking to his eyes when he realizes that it is tomorrow. 

.

Three years have passed but the memories are still fresh in his mind. It was this day three years ago that he sat down to prepare the special present - a CD. He goes down the memory lane, imagining as if he was sitting in their old couch, staring straight into the camera as it started recording.

“Hi Woojin, long time no see. First of all, I’m sorry, for not keeping in touch. Don’t think it is because of you, you are not the one to blame. It’s me, it’s all my fault.” He looks down in embarrassment, imagining how Woojin must have felt watching this video now.

“I’m being selfish, I know, but it’s for our own good. I don’t want either of us to be hurt by my feelings, my feelings for you. That’s right, I’m in love with you. I don’t really know when did it all begin. College? High school? Or maybe even sooner than that? All I know is that loving you is like breathing, so natural that before I realize it, I have falling head over heels for you. The only problem is I didn’t know it at that time. If only I can turn back time and tell myself to not take you for granted, to stop messing around and look to my side, to see how awfully in love I am. But I’m a fool, Woojin. It’s not until you were with Hyungseob that I finally realized why I was making a fuss about you being with him. Please forgive me if I gave you guys a hard time back then, jealous me wasn’t the best me to deal with. That’s also the reason why I decided to leave for the U.S and not attending your wedding. Actually, I didn’t have to leave before your wedding, but the thought of watching you and Hyungseob making the vow in front of me is just unbearable. Maybe if I had been your best man, I would have snatched you away from him.” He laughs dryly, trying to cover the bitterness in his voice.

“You must have wondering why I am saying all of this now, right? After all these years, I just think that you have the right to know why I was acting irrationally. Besides, I also want to get things off my chest. It has been so tiring holding my feelings in. So now you know I loved you and I still love you now. If you are still happy with Hyungseob, ignore everything I said, I will take it as a sign and move on with my life. Who knows! Maybe I could get over you faster than you think. But if things didn’t work out well with your marriage, if you are single now and you do have a bit, just a bit feeling for me, could you give me a call, a text would be fine.” His voice gets smaller and smaller, like how much hope he is putting in Woojin loving him back.

“I will wait for you for one more day. Just one more day, then I will move on, no looking back.” 

.

He takes a day off, blaming the long-hours meeting for draining him out but the truth is, he wants to wait for a specific call. The last sentence in the video keeps on playing in his head like a broken tape. 

“I will wait for you for one more day. Just one more day, then I will move on, no looking back.”

Fear grows on him as time goes by, before he knows it, the sun has gone down, letting the moon take over the night sky. The ending he has always thought of is finally here, standing at his gate. Even though he has imagined it a thousand times, when the clock strikes at midnight, he still crouches down and cries like a child. All the hope he has been holding, all the memories he has been trying to forget, all the regret come crushing down on him, leaving him breathless. 

His phone lays there on the table, no new message, no new call, all silent, like a mockery to his three-year wait. 

Jihoon keeps on crying until he unconsciously fall asleep, as a result of crying for too long, until the ringing door bell wakes him up. He stands up, stretching his body as a whole night of sleeping on the ground gradually taking a toll on him.

He opens the door without looking through the peep hole, assuming that is it his secretary, who is probably here to give him an update company’s stuff. To his surprise, the door flings open, revealing a familiar figure. In the entrance stands Park Woojin, with messy hair and red eyes, looking terribly hot in an all-black outfit. 

Jihoon gets so shock that he has to pinch himself so hard to verify that this is real, the one and only Park Woojin is actually standing in front him. 

“You are not going to invite your old friend in?” It’s not until Woojin leans in closer that Jihoon recovers his composure, stepping aside like a robot to let the other in. 

“Why…w-hat are you doing here?” Jihoon struggles on his own words, his mind is still in a daze, unable to process the ongoing situation. 

“An idol asked me to be his back up dancer during his U.S tour. I have just finished it so I figure I should pass by to say hi.” His best friend drops his back pack down after taking a look around his apartment. “You seem to be pretty fine here. I suppose you are not living alone in an apartment this big?” Woojin exclaims at the size of Jihoon’s home.

He hasn’t seen the video yet. A bit of disappointment rushes through Jihoon’s heart. Maybe he has hoped that Woojin’s presence here means something more than just a friendly visit.

“There is just me here. You know how my love life is.” He makes an effort to bring up the mood, although judging on the other’s expression, it doesn’t come out so well.

“Mine is the same. I guess that’s why we are best friend.” Jihoon almost drops his coffee cups at the surprising news. Does it mean he and Hyungseob…

He must have said that out loud unconsciously because Woojin immediately turns to his side with his right hand held above his chest. The ring finger is empty, no ring, no string attached. 

This implication shocks Jihoon to the core, he takes a sip of the freshly brewed coffee, letting the bitter taste of it clear his mind. 

“We never get married actually. I realized that marriage isn’t that simple and we will never be happy when our hearts don’t share the same beat. But how can you know? You cut off all the contact the moment you departed.” Woojin’s voice is full of anger and mockery, not that Jihoon can blame him though, no one would be happy when their best friend leave them behind.

A soft apology, almost like a mumbling escapes through Jihoon’s throat. He fixes his stare on his white coffee mug, unable to face his angry friend.

“I have been asking around for three years! Three fucking years, Jihoon! But no one give me a single new about you, they all said that you wouldn’t want me to know! And I have this!”

The other pulls a phone out of his pocket and hits the play button. A familiar voice emits through the speaker as Jihoon sees a younger version of himself on the phone screen. 

“So Park Jihoon, care to explain what game you are playing now?”

Woojin is hurt, Jihoon can see it clearly in his eyes. He steps forward, trying to touch the other but his hand is swatted away. 

“I…No…I meant everything I have said in that video.” Jihoon chokes on his own words as tears falling down on his face. “I love you. I have always loved you. I left because it was the best choice for both of us. Please understand my situation. I just needed time to get you out of my head and my heart. You can get mad at me all you want but don’t think that my feeling is just an act!” He reasons. 

“Understand your situation? Of course I know what it feels like standing in your shoes, Jihoon! I have been in love with you for god knows how long! But every time I worked up the courage to confess, you came home with another guy to smash at me in the face that you would never see me as anything more than a place to cry on when you got your heart broken! Ironically, I can’t give up on you. Your entire existence was like a curse, I succumbed to your sweet eyes and pouty lips unconditionally.” Woojin’s eyes are red with anger and pain. “Then Hyungseob came and I thought: Why don’t I give it a chance? But it’s never going to work out! Because I LOVE YOU!” He literally screams out the last three words at an oblivious Jihoon. “So if what you said it’s true, can we be together, Jihoon? Can we?”

Jihoon stands there, heart numb at the overwhelming sensation. He doesn’t know how to react properly, Woojin’s confession keeps replaying in his head. The confession he has been longing to hear, the person he has been longing to touch are all here now. He opens his mouth but nothing comes out, words just stuck on the tip of his tongue. There is no way he could convey everything he wants to say now so he choose to step forward and let his action speaks for himself. The gap is close and before he knows it, their lips has met with each other.

It is not the best kiss ever. It’s rush and messy, bitter like coffee and salty like tears, but in a way, it’s sweet, like love and Jihoon’s strawberry toothpaste. 

They lose themselves in the moment, conveying unspoken words through passionate kisses before breaking apart, both are at the loss of breath. It doesn’t feel enough, Jihoon wants more and he knows Woojin thinks the same. They have wasted 15 years wandering foolishly in the maze of love and one kiss, no, even hundreds of kisses can’t make up for the time they have lost. But they are together now. They can spent the next 15 years together, and the next 15 years, and the next 15 years, they have all the time in the world to do it. Who knows what the future might hold, their road ahead maybe rough, but they have each other and it’s all that matters.

**Author's Note:**

> I would love to hear your thoughts about my work. Drop it here or you can slide into my DM in twitter @Pdtt25. Thank you so much for reading!


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